Humans of Clevedon

HUMANS OF CLEVEDON STEPHEN HOARE

Posted on by facesofclevedon
Reading time 24 minutes

I first noticed  Stephen on Facebook, where he and a friend, Simon Johnson, were promoting a new Men’s Talk Club at the Mortgage Centre on a Monday evening at 6.30 p.m. The Talk Clubs are such a valuable resource for many men and are so helpful in dismantling the notion that men should keep their emotions to themselves. Other such initiatives are campaigns like #ItsOkayToTalk and organisations like CALM (Campaign Against Living Miserably) Andy’s Man Club, Men’s Shed and Movember. We are lucky in Clevedon to have four thriving Talk Clubs and a very popular Men’s Shed.

There have also been a number of high-profile individuals who have courageously shared their mental health journeys, helping break down stigma and showing that nobody is immune to these struggles.  

I’m thinking about Rio Ferdinand, the former football star whose story highlights the impact of unresolved grief. After losing his wife to cancer, Ferdinand initially struggled in silence. He now actively talks about his experience, encouraging men to break the silence surrounding grief and seek support to help them heal.

Stormzy, the British grime artist who candidly discussed his battles with depression, challenging stereotypes around black men and mental health. He emphasises that opening up and getting help is a sign of strength, not weakness.

Stormzy’s transparency has been particularly powerful in reaching young audiences and starting important conversations.

Stephen Fry, the beloved British actor, writer, and comedian, who has been a vocal advocate for mental health for decades. Living with bipolar disorder, Fry uses his platform with both humour and gravitas to destigmatise mental illness and encourage open dialogue.

And Olympian Michael Phelps who battled depression and anxiety for many years due to the pressure and isolation of being an elite athlete. Phelps is now one of the world’s most prominent mental health advocates. He uses his platform to break down stigmas, encourage others to seek help, and show that even the most successful individuals can face inner battles.

These are just a few examples; many other athletes, musicians, and public figures have chosen to share their stories, making a huge difference in combating the stigma around mental health challenges.

Shortly after seeing the TALK Club ad, I spotted Stephen on the Facebook site Everything Else Clevedon, where he shared details of his London Marathon fundraiser for one of the leading mental health charities, MIND. Founded over 70 years ago, MIND provides a powerful voice for those experiencing mental health problems. They offer information, advice, and support services, including helplines and local MIND branches. MIND also tirelessly campaigns to improve mental health care, challenge stigma, and advocate for the rights of people with mental health difficulties. Here’s the link if you’d like to support Stephen’s fundraising.

Great as I think it is that high-profile individuals are speaking out about mental health. I think it’s very powerful to hear the stories of individuals in the community like Stephen. When Curtis Disley was featured in Humans of Clevedon, the post was read by over 4000. Hearing someone from your community discuss their mental health journey can be more impactful than a celebrity’s story because it increases relatability, reduces stigma, highlights the accessibility of local support, and provides tangible inspiration for recovery.  Their shared experiences and proximity make overcoming challenges seem more achievable, demonstrating that mental health conditions can affect anyone, and that help is available within your own reach.

Experiencing depression as a teenager significantly increases the risk of having depressive episodes in adulthood, but depression can also emerge for the first time in adulthood, unrelated to prior teenage experiences. Such was the case with Stephen, who has the happiest childhood memories. 

 Stephen grew up in London, surrounded by a close-knit family with whom he shared deep connections. He had his mother’s family – grandparents and twin uncles living opposite and was constantly in and out of their home – his father’s mother and a much-loved uncle, Kevin, and Aunt Janet, also very close by, would take him on day trips, have him over to stay, take him swimming, and he even went on holiday with them to Spain.

Stephen cherishes warm memories of his nannies, Pam and Doreen, who always made him feel special. He described them as doing the classic nan thing of spoiling him with food and pocket money.

Stephen’s memories of his parents are filled with love – magical Christmases, delightful holidays in Spain, and the simple joy of trips to Butlins in Minehead. His move to Clevedon holds a special place in his heart because, as a child, those stretches of the Clevedon motorway were where he’d first glimpse the sea – a thrilling reminder that their holiday destination was near!

As a teenager, Stephen’s life was a whirlwind of good times. He loved the freedom of those years, and looking back always makes him smile. Football was his passion, and he and his friends would play anywhere with a decent light – garages, parks, car parks, ‘……they were all our Wembley!’  When they weren’t playing, they were watching or going to Arsenal games – they were die-hard fans and still are!

As Stephen got older, he discovered the fun of nights out – drinking, dancing, and hitting the club scene, especially fun if his closest friend Andy was by his side.  Andy and Stephen were partners in crime from their junior football days – both Arsenal fanatics with a shared sense of humour, always getting into silly teenage mischief.  Even now, when he runs London races or visits his parents, Andy and he always meet up. They reminisce about those crazy childhood days, and it reminds him of how his London years were full of laughter, love, and epic adventures. He wouldn’t change a thing, and although he loves Clevedon, London will always be home.

When Stephen was eighteen, his brother and his partner moved from London to Clevedon. Stephen and his dad assisted with the move and stayed for the weekend to help them settle in. As they sat in Campbells’ Landing, enjoying a well-earned pint, he clearly remembers how captivated he was by the sea, the sun beaming down on it, the beautiful Pier and the lovely houses. Little did he know he would also move here one day. That day was in June 2012.

Stephen is very happy to be close to his brother, his sister-in-law, his lovely nephew and nieces and his younger sister, who lives in Swindon.  

His experience of Clevedon has been very positive; he finds people warm and welcoming and appreciates the great sense of community. He has a strong network of friends, a lot of them through work but some through other social activities. He enjoys socialising with friends, going out for food and spending time with family. He still enjoys football, although with all the race training, he hasn’t played in a long time, but he still watches a lot, mainly his beloved Arsenal! He also enjoys watching his niece and nephew play football for Clevedon United’s junior sides.

A happy, well-supported childhood can provide a foundation for coping with negative life events in adulthood. This foundation includes resilience, problem-solving skills, secure attachments with others, and a positive outlook, but even a positive childhood doesn’t guarantee immunity from the impact of life’s challenges, and as adults, we may need additional support, therapy, or community resources when facing negative life events.

The catalyst for Stephen’s depression was the break-up with his partner, and he suffered through some of 2016 and most of 2017. He had not lived alone before, and after his partner left, the loneliness and his absence from his daughter’s life weighed heavily on him, making it difficult to adjust. These feelings were all totally new to him, and he had no idea what to do with them, how he should handle them or where he should go with them. He didn’t realise the avenues of support or how to access them. He felt totally and utterly lost.

Late-night walks became his escape from the house’s suffocating silence and loneliness. To numb the pain, he’d often take beer or pre-mixed drinks. He’d climb to Poet’s Walk, find the bench overlooking St Andrews Church and the graveyard, and stay until the alcohol ran out. Tears were frequent. (Photos courtesy of @these_are_rachelsphotos)

He’d stumble home, sometimes as late as 1.00 a.m., only to rise for work by 5.00 a.m., feeling wretched. He knew this cycle of sleepless nights and poor nutrition was harmful, yet it continued. Exhausted from work, he’d return home, fall asleep, battle dark thoughts in the quiet, and then seek escape through his late-night ritual.

At work, Stephen plastered on a brave face – smiles, jokes, then hiding in the bathroom to cry. Like many men, he didn’t talk about it, terrified of judgment, being laughed or being on the receiving end of dismissive reactions such as the harsh ‘stop being silly’ or that dreaded phrase he despised, ‘man up.’  He told no one – not friends, not family. He sought no help. He carried this unspoken burden for far too long and now realises it was the worst possible thing he could have done because everything snowballed out of control. The only time he felt like himself, truly different, was with his daughter.

Deep in depression, dark thoughts he never wanted invaded his mind, whispering of escape. One night changed everything. After drinks with friends, he started walking home and broke down. His legs carried him to the motorway bridge, up the slip road… and he sat on the edge, legs dangling over. His mind screamed it was time to go. But a tiny part of him clung to life – thoughts of his daughter, family, and friends. He climbed back down.

Something shifted that night. In the days that followed, he woke up and told himself two things: ‘I can’t continue like this!’ and strangely, as though addressing his depression itself, ‘I will beat you, and I will do it on my own.’ No doctors, no medication. Stephen understood those things work for others but decided it wasn’t for him.

So, what changed?  For Stephen, running became his lifeline. When he ran, he felt invincible, as if he could conquer anything. It brought a stillness to his troubled thoughts. As he often says on Instagram or to those he helps, ‘Running saved my life.’ Long walks, the vibrant colours of a sunset – these simple things filled him with joy and offered a much-needed mental reset. (Photos courtesy of @these_are_rachelsphotos)

Years later, Stephen found an incredible Clevedon-based counsellor who helped him work through his past. It was a transformative experience. He believes that if he’d known about this option earlier, he wouldn’t have fallen into such a deep darkness. Determined to heal, he began the gradual process of rebuilding his confidence and practising positive self-talk.  Nighttime journaling helped him process the day’s anxieties before bed. He limited drinking to special occasions and made sleep and a healthy diet his priorities, recognising these fundamentals as key to his daily well-being.

I asked Stephen to comment on the statistics related to male suicide, which are so disturbingly high.

Key Statistics:

  • In the UK, men are around three times more likely to die by suicide than women. (Source: ONS) This trend is sadly mirrored in many other countries.
  • Suicide is a leading cause of death in men under 50 in the UK. (Source: ONS)
  • Men aged 45-49 have the highest suicide rate in the UK. (Source: ONS) However, suicide rates are increasing in younger demographics, making it a pressing concern affecting young men significantly.
  • Men from lower socioeconomic backgrounds may be at higher risk. (Source: Samaritans)
  • Ethnicity also plays a complex role, with varying rates within different ethnic groups. (Source: Samaritans)

Stephen recognises the complexity of suicide and that there is no single explanation; it is not a choice based on a weakness or lack of character but occurs when extreme distress and feelings of hopelessness converge, impairing the ability to see solutions.

However, he did feel that there were some major factors contributing to the higher rate of suicide among men, which he had already touched on.

He feels that society’s expectations of men are very high and dictate how they should act and what they should be doing and achieving. He feels that many men don’t admit to the pressure they feel on a daily basis, instead feeling the need to be stoic, independent, and to suppress emotions, which makes it very difficult to seek help or open up about struggles.

Stephen talked at some length about language and the power of language, likening words to weapons, which, of course, they are and which is why we have major pieces of legislation against hate speech.

We discussed what he called the ‘man up culture’ that exists and which makes men fearful about seeking help or showing emotional distress. If it’s not this type of language that denigrates vulnerability, then it is often a kind of minimising language such as ‘Just get over it’ or ‘Just toughen up’, two phrases that dismiss genuine emotional pain. Or it’s a language that praises men for suppressing emotional displays or vulnerability, with words like ‘tough’, ‘strong’, and ‘in control’. Not forgetting derogatory slang terms such as ‘snowflake’, which shuts down conversations about important things – mental health, relationships, and social issues. Stephen feels that this is a term often used by the older generation and creates an environment where young men feel judged rather than listened to. His take on language was interesting and is something I’m exploring for another project I’m involved in.

Stephen also feels strongly about the importance of positive self-talk, which builds resilience, boosts your belief in yourself, and motivates you to take action. It becomes a source of encouragement, helping you to overcome challenges and reach your full potential. By shifting from self-criticism to self-compassion, you reshape your mindset and create a more fulfilling life.

The break-up of a relationship signifies a radical shift in your living situation, family structure, and social connections. It represents the end of a significant chapter in your life, and having to cope with it unsupported, as Stephen did, must have been one of the most isolating and emotionally devastating experiences.

People face huge challenges every day. Economic uncertainty and the lingering effects of the pandemic cast a shadow over job security and financial stability. Mental health concerns, fuelled by isolation and pandemic-related stress, continue to rise.  Polarisation and the erosion of trust in institutions create a fractured social landscape. Additionally, many grapple with adapting to a rapidly changing workplace where shifting consumer preferences and digital transformation demand new skills and adaptability.

Stephen recognises this and wants people to know that whatever the challenge, there is support out there. There was always support for him, but he didn’t know how to access it, felt weighed down by outdated notions of masculinity and turned to unhealthy coping mechanisms.

This was Stephen’s motivation for training as a Talk Club captain. He and Simon are offering a safe, confidential space for open communication, healthy expressions of masculinity, and mutual support where men can talk and listen using the Talk Club sharing model, which starts with ‘How are you? Out of 10?’. This simple question helps men to put a number on how they feel, (1 being rock bottom and 10 being on top of the world) then trying to explain why.

Stephen’s first marathon was in 2022 when he ran on behalf of the British Heart Foundation. His support of MIND is fuelled by the same motivation: raising money for a leading charity, this time, one that helps raise awareness about mental health and challenges the stigma that often surrounds these issues.

Marathon running represents a major physical and mental challenge that many people dream of accomplishing, and the training, come hail, rain or snow, months of discipline. Stephen runs four times a week – a mix of speed sessions, interval sessions and the famous long run, as well as doing strength training. He explained that the long runs are all about time on your feet, and he’s sometimes out for around two hours.  His furthest is 15 miles; he has a 17-mile run coming up and two 20-mile long runs in March. He has completed over 200 training miles so far as he trains towards the time he wants to achieve. In the final two weeks, his training load will drop as he enters what they call taper. He’ll start to do fewer miles and rest his legs ahead of the big day on Sunday, April 21st.

MIND’s strap line could well be Stephen’s:

‘We won’t give up until everyone experiencing a mental health problem gets support and respect.’

Running a marathon is a significant accomplishment. Doing it for a cause adds an extra layer of meaning and motivation to your efforts. Never more so than in Stephen’s case.

Wishing you all the very best, Stephen. Your dedication, commitment and resilience are an inspiration.

Here’s the link once again if you’d like to support Stephen and his fundraising for MIND.

Where to Find Help

If you or someone you know is struggling, there is help available:

Sources

Office for National Statistics (ONS) – UK: https://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/birthsdeathsandmarriages/deaths/bulletins/suicidesintheunitedkingdom/latest

Samaritans (UK)  https://www.samaritans.org/about-samaritans/research-policy/suicide-facts-and-figures/

World Health Organization (WHO): Provides global suicide statistics: https://www.who.int/data/gho/data/themes/mental-health/suicide-rates

CDC (US): Offers suicide statistics for the United States: https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/suicide/

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